I HATE when people cheat. I have no respect for cheats. I don't care about their excuses for doing so either. But I won't take the moral high ground and lecture you about it, I'm not one for sounding condescending.

Just try think how you'd feel if you were cheated on by someone you loved and cared about. ''Would I want that to happen to me?''

posted Jan 25, 2012

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Was about to write something extremely close to this.

I really do feel like if you cheat on someone, you don't respect them at all.

posted Jan 26, 2012

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personally, i think there's never an excuse for cheating.

that said, the first thing you should do is confess everything to your man and apologize. if he's anything like a normal human being he'll be even angrier because not only did you cheat on him, you also lied about it.

the rest is up to your boyfriend. if he wants to forgive and carry on being with you despite what happened, good for you but don't be surprised if he ends the relationship even if you flay yourself apologizing and saying how you really, truly love him. sure, it was a mistake but it has been done and you have hurt other people in the process and what we can all learn from this is to always be mindful of the consequences of our actions.

posted Jan 26, 2012

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What Mika said, word for word.

posted Jan 26, 2012

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People are so replaceable. You had sex with him willingly. You may love the emotional attachment you have built with your boyfriend, but you don't really respect or "love" him. I'd say your relationship is already shot to hell. The minute you cheat and lie, everything after that point is built on a lie and will never be good and pure because there is no honesty. I know you feel awful right now, I've felt that way before. But after a while, you'll realize it is whatever and you might want to see what else is out there. You're not married, don't beat yourself up.

posted Jan 26, 2012

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I think Steph is right. A cheat is the end of a relationship. Either in mind, or in reality. Because from that point on, there is a thing you can't talk about to your love. Where there was that "crack" of cheating will soon be a distance. It will get worse and worse, and then you'll break up.
True story. Believe me. I saw that, and lived that, uncountable times.
think BEFORE you do something.
Afterwards it might be too late.

posted Jan 26, 2012

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What Steph and Tok said.

When I cheated on my ex boyfriend I knew it was the end of the relationship. Not because I couldn't live with the guilt or because I'd betrayed him. Just the fact that there was a moment when I was attracted to the idea of being with someone that wasn't him. I knew then that I didn't love him anymore and I'd never get those feelings back. We broke up not long after. I didn't tell him about me cheating. There was no need. I'd already broken his heart by breaking up with him, but I still cared enough not to put him through that as well. Even before I'd physically done anything with this other guy, I had been having feelings for someone else. Really deep strong feelings. I should have realised then that it probably meant I wasn't in love with my boyfriend anymore.

I've learnt from the experience that if I'm ever in a situation where I even think about being with somebody else that isn't my boyfriend, I'll cut and run. Luckily though the only person I've ever thought about being with in the last nine months, has been my current boyfriend. I can't imagine that ever changing.

posted Jan 26, 2012

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'People are so replaceable.'

That in itself is enough said.

posted Jan 27, 2012

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i know you feel guilty enough that you cheated but i wish you didn't have sex with another guy :( nobody likes to be cheated. i think he deserves the truth

posted Jan 27, 2012

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If you don't tell the entire truth it is going to eat you up inside, and I know you know that.

posted Jan 27, 2012

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I would tell him the whole truth, because as above, it will eat you away and you won't stop thinking about it and it will just get you down, and although you cheated, quite a few people do, you're not a bad person but you did a bad thing. You're probably a good person, and you need to come clean and tell him. He's going to be angry and... heartbroken. I'm sorry you're going to have to endure this and afterwards you'll feel pain and regret telling him, wish it was back to normal and he never knew, but after time elapses... you'll feel better, you'll understand it was the right decision to make. I wish all the best of luck to you, I used to hate people who cheated believed they had no excuse, but good people do bad things, forgiveness is key, we're all human. You'll be okay.

posted Jan 27, 2012

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He deserves the truth. If you really love and respect him then you'll be honest, and then it's his call whether or not your relationship continues. Honestly, from what you've said, I'd be very surprised if this relationship continues happily.

I see no excuse for cheating. If you're going to commit to a long term relationship then there needs to be a mutual trust and respect - cheating goes against both of those things.

posted Jan 27, 2012

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You owe it to your boyfriend to tell him the truth. He told you that he wouldn't be in a relationship with you anymore if you'd gone farther. By keeping this information from him, you're wasting his time. I know I used to hate it when people cheated on me and I didn't find out until we broke up months later. I felt like all those months had been wasted. Maybe if you tel lhim the truth, you can still at least be friends in the future.

posted Jan 27, 2012

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yeah i literally did the exact same thing as you, very recently actually and i ended up telling him the truth. theres no point in lying, you'll feel so guilty. we broke up and will probably never speak to eachother again, but hopefully your boyfriend will give you a second chance.
if he doesnt, take this experience as a lesson, next time you've got someone who you really love and appreciate THINK before you act. and dont be too hard on yourself, everyone makes mistakes.

posted Feb 11, 2012

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You're a cheat and a liar and it's ALL YOUR FAULT.

posted Feb 11, 2012

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tell him you don't trust yourself, that you've not been good to him ('cause you haven't at all!) but you don't need to say you had sex with the guy. No need to pour salt in the wounds. even if he did forgive you, you owe it to him to let him move on, you're being selfish saying you want to spend the rest of your life with the guy because you definitely haven't acted that way. A kiss is understandable, but sex is just too far.

posted Feb 11, 2012

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no spare of feelings. well put.

posted Feb 11, 2012

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When you truly love someone, you would never cheat. Therefore, you do not love this boy. Liar.

posted Feb 12, 2012

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cheating is bad.
cheaters are liars.
if you've done something bad, you should face the consequences.
it's your fault anyway. face it

posted Feb 19, 2012

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I think people here are right, but they're judging you. I understand you were confused, and that this fucked you up, and that's just sad. You're not a bad person, you're just confused, it's ok. But it's up to your boyfriend to decide. If you want to, tell him the truth. If you don't want to, don't. But you know that can come up, and if he knows it from other person it will be worse. And it will be terrible for you even if he doesn't discover that, because YOU will never forget this and YOU will feed this lie.


So, it's up to you telling or not. It's up to him deciding if he wants you or not.

Wish you the best.

posted Feb 29, 2012

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I can understand why you would, as someone who has been in a long-distance relationship for a while. Sometimes shit just happens.

NEVER tell your boyfriend. It will kill him. You made a mistake and now you have to live with it forever, and it's going to suck.
But if you love him, that constant reminder will be enough to keep you faithful from now on.

I'm sorry you cheated, but it's going to be ok
(that being said, neither me nor my boyfriend has ever cheated)

posted Mar 5, 2012

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There has to be a reason behind the actual cheating. Maybe look at that?

posted Mar 18, 2012

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Seeing as this was posted a while ago I'm guessing it's all been sorted out by now?
Did you guys resolve it?

I think some people are being really harsh in this topic.
I don't particularly agree with cheating either but I also think people need to understand the entire situation before passing judgement.
Long distance can be incredibly difficult.

Not every relationship will fall apart from infidelity. Especially not a genuinely regretted once off.

posted Mar 22, 2012

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She is asking for advice joss not abuse. That is just a horrible thing to say . Everyone makes mistakes you know!

posted Mar 22, 2012

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I think the kinder thing is to just let him go and just tell him. Let him either be happy with someone else who isn't lying (not trying to sound rude at all) or let him be angry, he might come around and forgive you eventually.

posted Mar 22, 2012

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Look right? There's no excuse, I was away from my boyfriend for over 11 months! and I never had sex with someone else, distance is not an excuse when you truly love and respect someone you don't do these kind of things, I'm not judging you though, I think you should tell him and let him know, after that he will decide if he wants to keep the relationship with you, but the point is that you will be honest and you will feel better. Hope you are all right though xx

posted Mar 22, 2012

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This.

There are always underlying issues with cheating. Like I said above, when I cheated on my boyfriend, it proved to me that the relationship was over as I had suspected for some time. A couple of weeks later we broke up. I knew we were headed for the end and if I'm honest, I was utterly miserable in our relationship when I cheated. He'd done nothing especially wrong, but the relationship was growing thin and I was beginning to question my future with him. He lived in this dream land where he was going to be this super star DJ and refused to accept that he might have to have a normal job like the rest of us. He had absolutely no ambition other than trying to become a DJ and if I'm honest, he wasn't even that good...

Then on my work Christmas party there was this guy who showed a genuine interest in me and I let him kiss me. I didn't try and push him away because I knew it was him I wanted right at that second. Not my boyfriend. It was exciting. He was so handsome in his suite and offered to buy me drinks and spoil me even though he'd only just met me (my boyfriend would still find excuses not to share the buying of rounds of drinks and hardly ever treated me to anything nice) I was just smitten with this guy.

Even before the incident I had been having thoughts of infidelity but just brushed them aside assume it was just because we'd been together for so long and it was only natural to feel that way when you've grown used to something.

Now I know that if I'm ever feeling like that again, I should just end things with my boyfriend rather than push it and see how far I'm willing to go before I realise the relationship is over.

I've been with my current boyfriend for coming up to a year now and I know, based on my feelings in the past. I know that e's the only one I want and the only one I will ever want.

posted Mar 22, 2012

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People get harsh because it's such a deeply personal issue. While I don't condone cruel judgement out of misguided spite - I believe some of the tension in this thread is birthed from other people's personal experiences with being cheated on - things being "incredibly difficult" is not an excuse for cheating. Because there is no excuse for cheating.

Infidelity in a strictly monogamous relationship is deliberate rejection of the rules that have been agreed upon. Cheating is 100% preventable. But instead, most people are petty, immature, and selfish, which results in seeking other partners while within a committed relationship. If a relationship is to a point where infidelity is even an option, it should never be resorted to. At very least, seek a break up. Simple as that.

breaking-up : cheating :: punishment : execution

posted Mar 22, 2012

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It's true. If you've ever been cheated on, only then do you really know how gut wrenching and humiliating it can be. I'm not proud of what I did and I wont try and justify it by saying that he did in fact cheat on me first (my then boyfriend had a relationship with another girl that lasted quite a few months before eventually he felt too bad and ended it which makes my one night fling seem slightly less bad) and I never did tell him about it because I was already breaking up with him, there's no need to make things even worse for him.

And I think it is something that some people really can grow out of. When you find The One, you'll never want to do anything that could potentially hurt them.

posted Mar 22, 2012

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Aw thats so sweet! 11 months is a long time!

I agree, I bet most people here sound really harsh but its just the truth, there is no excuse for cheating and unless you were drugged out of your mind you made a conscious decision. Cheating to me is doing something with someone that you wouldn't do in front of your boyfriend/girlfriend. Its incredible that he didn't break up over that kiss, I know I would!
You can't continue being in a relationship, things like that come up eventually. Its better if you say it, at least you won't have it on your conscience.
You're young though, You'll be alright.

posted Mar 23, 2012

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ok. i think most people here on offence live in a bubble.
one thing you need to know is 90 percent of the population will cheat if given the opportunity to or if they know they will never get caught! its lovely to think that you will love the same person forever and never get bored. but fuck that is simply impossible!

i cheated on my boyfriend and before i did i always thought like most people on this forum. that i would never do it and that it blah blah blah. truth. people who cheat do it for a reason. and what it comes down to is UNHAPPINESS!!!!! if you are happy in your relationship then you dont do it. You were unhappy it was long distance. these things happen. dont feel bad about it. people do this all the time. you dont have to tell your partner everything. there is no reason too. you are still your own person. if you want to be with him. just tell him it was a kiss and that is all. you feel bad now i know. but over time you will be able to block it out and forget about it. how do you know he hasnt done the same thing to you??? and i think you cheating was a good thing. you were doubting the relationship and it made you realise you wanted to be with him. so its a positive thing. =)

posted Mar 24, 2012

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Firstly, that stat isn't even remotely true. We live in a predominately monogamous society, for the most part. The general consensus between researchers seems to be that cheating occurs somewhere between 15%-35% of relationships, which isn't even half.

Secondly, unhappiness isn't always the reason. I've seen people cheat when they were in perfectly solid, happy relationships. Why? Usually immaturity and irresponsibility, honestly. Their line of reason often is, "Man, I don't want to screw up things with [name], but that person over there is just so attractive." Layer that idea over unhappiness - which I do concede is definitely a defining factor - and on top of growing liberal-minded polygamous values and sexual-openness, and you have a hodgepodge of multilateral reasons to cheat.

Thirdly, monogamous relationships are not "impossible." They're just hard work. Monogamous relationships are not about "never getting bored." Hell, that's part of the point. They're really dull, and they're really bland, and they're really unexciting for the most part; the trade-off is that you are made happy because you spend all that boring time with one person who gives a crap about you. :]

Your line of reasoning is one I often hear from cheaters who lack regret, no offense intended. It's a trend, I see, to not only claim that cheating is an every day action, but to also defend the action as positive, in a mode to justify infidelity. But at the end of the day, as stated prior, there is NO excuse for infidelity in a monogamous relationship. If the rules set at the "let's go out" stage are strictly between the two individuals, then both parties should play by the rules. I will agree, it's a "good thing" to see the negative aspects of a relationship, and realize whether one should be within/without a relationship. But there are methods other than cheating, and this is something many people really need to learn.

posted Mar 24, 2012

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Okay, I understand that a lot of people on this topic are being harsh because they are possibly speaking from past experiences with this sort of thing and that sucks, trust me... I know.
Can I just say, I never meant to say there was an "excuse" for cheating, I simply meant that we are all human and have been known to, on occasion, fuck up.

I think it's how it is dealt with afterwards that is important. No, not every relationship will fail because of it. Just like not every relationship where both parties don't cheat will be successful.
Everyones experiences are different.

I don't want someone, who was simply asking for advice to be consequently bullied because of a mistake.

posted Mar 24, 2012

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LOL. ok where are you getting this research from???? The interent where I guess they are asking people the question via a survey??!!! Well fuck me I know I always tell the truth in those things! I am not being negative. I am telling the truth. I know heaps of people and I have travelled the world and it is all the same. of all the people i have met in my life i would say that i know of one. one couple that are genuinely happy! and yes people do cheat because they are unhappy. most people get in relationships to pass the time or because they are scared to be alone, most people believe it is better to be with someone than no one! and on the surface we live in monnogamous society but trust me we all have secrets. people stay in these "dull" relationships for a number of reasons, comfort, its easier, the money, the kids, etc, etc, love??? that does not play a part!

posted Mar 24, 2012

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LOL. ok where are you getting this research from???? The interent where I guess they are asking people the question via a survey??!!! Well fuck me I know I always tell the truth in those things! I am not being negative. I am telling the truth. I know heaps of people and I have travelled the world and it is all the same. of all the people i have met in my life i would say that i know of one. one couple that are genuinely happy! and yes people do cheat because they are unhappy. most people get in relationships to pass the time or because they are scared to be alone, most people believe it is better to be with someone than no one! and on the surface we live in monnogamous society but trust me we all have secrets. people stay in these "dull" relationships for a number of reasons, comfort, its easier, the money, the kids, etc, etc, love??? that does not play a part!

posted Mar 24, 2012

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and yes there are other means to end relationships rather than cheating. you sit there and say i would never cheat. im sure your one of those guys that says you would ring them first to break it off. well sadly that hardly happens. i used to hate cheaters until i did it. and the reason i did was because my ex boyfriend was a total fuck! i hated him. i wanted to get out of that relationship. i was so scared to end it for a number of reasons. so i cheated on him and two days later i ended it. i never told him i cheated because that is not the reason why i ended it. the reason i did cheat and by no means am i exucinsg my behaviour is because i knew if i cheated i would be able to get out of the relationship because i knew i wouldnt be able to live a lie. but that is me and my kind is a dieing breed. people cheat because there unhappy bottom line and something is missing from the relationship. come on. even samantha jones knows that!

posted Mar 24, 2012

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Actually, my sources are Close Encounters: Communication in Relationships by Laura Guerrero, an article in Forbes by Karyln Bowman, and Truth About Deception, who have a huge bibliography of research that I'll link you to here. It's all done by professional researchers, anthropologists, and sociologists whom have devoted decades to the question of why people cheat, and something tells me that they can't all be wrong.

You seem to give very singular reasons to why people make decisions, which I would contend that most people don't think so linearly. Many people enter relationships for the emotional benefits, not simply because it's "a way to pass the time," which sounds awful shallow; or because they are "scared," whereupon I again point to my line of reasoning about immaturity.

You also make the claim that comfort, money, children, love (etc.) play no part in people remaining in relationships. I don't feel I have to contend to how silly that is, given its illogicality and basis on nothing but opinion. Also, if we all have "secrets" about our infidelity, where are mine? I have never cheated. Neither have any of my close friends. We're all quite committed whenever we're in relationships.

Finally, I never claimed you would never cheat, so I'm not sure why you're seeming to take things so personally, as I never referenced you once in my statements except to illustrate your own statements, for the sake of debate. I understand this is an emotionally charged issue for you, but that's no reason to neglect the facts for opinionated rhetoric. I'm glad you left a bad relationship, but as you said in your own words, you are not excusing your actions. Because, fundamentally - as stated prior - there remain no excuses for cheating. It's wrong, and there are infinitely more healthy ways to end relationships. I'm sure other fictional characters will agree with this.

posted Mar 24, 2012

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I have never been cheated on, and I will never cheat. It hasn't even crossed my mind ONCE, and I was in a long distance relationship for two years.
I have to say, I don't know anyone that thinks like you about this. And secondly, statistics are NOT made to generalize. Even if your surveyed the entire world population, and 99% said they would cheat if they had a chance, that 1% would still be a lot of people.
You just sound bitter to me.

posted Mar 24, 2012

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LOL to you both. ok you can think this.
i am not bitter i am realistic.

posted Mar 24, 2012

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how can you say you will never cheat???
you dont know what the future holds.
that is ridiculous.
just cause your close friends say they havent doesnt mean that its true.
i am not bitter. i am a realist.

posted Mar 24, 2012

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you're 20! LOL enough said.

posted Mar 24, 2012

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I don't think that's true. I know I'd never cheat on my boyfriend and we've been through so much, I know he'd never cheat on me.

posted Mar 24, 2012

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key word "think"
i would like to think that too but the truth is we dont know what we will do.
i would like to think that i would never cheat again but i could not guarantee anyone that. im not syaing it in a negative way. im just trying to say that we dont know what tomorrow will bring. its easy to sit and judge people for the choices they make. sometimes it just happens. i am not on a cheating side. but i think i am just more accepting and realistic.

posted Mar 24, 2012

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Well I know I'd never cheat on my boyfriend Niki. If the thought ever crossed my mind, I would end things. We've been together a year though and we're still both as smitten as the day we met. I can't see us getting bored of eachother or wanting other people.

posted Mar 24, 2012

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I've been cheated on and i have cheated. It sucks both ways. I think you should tell your boyfriend. If you cheated on him, you were probably unhappy in your relationship (you just don't realize it now). He deserves to know. It's not wise to continue this relationship with such a huge dark secret. You should tell him, let him be mad at you/break up with you/forgive you. Whatever the case, you made a mistake and now you have to learn to make it right.

posted Mar 24, 2012

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As someone said: "If you were to choose between two love interests; go for the second one, because if you really loved the first one, there wouldn't have been a second one." I don't know you as a person, at all, you may have had your reasons, but as I just quoted...

Tell the truth. It's the only right thing.

posted Mar 25, 2012

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I've never cheated, and have no intention to. I know how painful cheating is. Why would I want to put any other human through that?

If a relationship is going sour, you call it off. Simple as that. Causing unnecessary drama is not worth the trouble. That's realism.

posted Mar 25, 2012

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<3 =)

posted Mar 25, 2012

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I'd like to give some unique, awesome input here but I pretty much agree with what everyone else has said. If you really care about someone then there's just something in you that actively does not want to cheat and if you do cheat then there's a part of you that isn't happy with or doesn't want your current relationship. I think the only relationships that should be bothered saving after a partner has cheated is a marriage, probably only if there are children involved. Because everything after that indiscretion is just a bunch of trying to make things work, it's no longer the same relationship.

I was in a relationship with the same guy for three years and towards the end he moved away and we tried to make it work, but he got another girlfriend behind my back. This isn't exactly the same as your situation but it was terrible and I knew that he just must not have wanted what we had anymore and I really don't care to talk to him ever again or even know how he's doing. I'm not sure if this is how your boyfriend feels, but this is coming from a girl who is really great friends with all of her exes except for that one, for that reason.

Answer to your question - I think the only right thing to do is tell him the whole story and let him break up with you, because he really should break up with you.

posted Mar 25, 2012

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They are all quite hard on you here... This doesn't mean you "don't love your boyfriend" or whatever. It's just not true. Everyone makes mistakes. No one can claim that he or she will never do this, because one day at some point it might happen to everyone and we can not know today. I've never cheated on a boyfriend, nor did one cheat on me (as far as I know ;-) ), but I respect that we're all just humans and no one is free of guilt or mistakes. If your boyfriend is completely unable to ever forgive you one (big, but still, one) mistake, then you obviously were not worth it to him, and then again it might be better that way.

It's super-hard to admit mistakes and being honest (maybe the hardes thing in life), especially after he said he'd dump you... But he just said that, and sometimes things are different when they really happen so this doesn't necessarily means that he'd really leave you. I don't know. Maybe, and maybe not. If he truly loves you, he might be able to forgive it.

In the end, I don't think you'll find your answer here, for as far as I know cheating is quite a difficult topic and almost every person in the world has another opinion on it ;-)

posted Mar 25, 2012

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And now you go and post it on a public website.

posted Mar 25, 2012

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It'll never be the same again.

posted Mar 25, 2012

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This sounds like a 14 year old calling a 12 year old a "little kid". Not very mature for being all of 26.

posted Mar 26, 2012

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there is a big difference between nearly SEVEN years!

posted Mar 27, 2012

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there is a big difference between nearly SEVEN years!

posted Mar 27, 2012

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besides this was last week. get over it and move on with your life!

posted Mar 27, 2012

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Just because you were immature at 20 (and still are, apparently) doesn't mean that younger girls shouldn't be able to share their opinions without being condescended. I don't care how long ago it was, you said something idiotic, and I'm going to tell you so.

It disturbs me that you're an educator. Do you attempt to humiliate your students for being younger, too?

posted Mar 27, 2012

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<3 =)

posted Mar 29, 2012

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it anoys me when people say cheating is a mistake, it's NOT, CHEATING IS A DESITION, it's not like the guy raped you...

anyways you really HAVE to tell him, because first of all there's no way a realtionship can properly function with lies, and if you want forgiveness you really should do it quick, the more time goes by, the bigger the lie becomes, and he'll be more hurt that way, that making him way less likely to forgive you.

posted Apr 4, 2012

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that's what i think too.

there's nothing worse than to cheat on someone. if you can't be with them, then don't be, but DO NOT CHEAT

posted Apr 8, 2012

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Omg. We are in the same boat. Well nobody cheated but I'm in a long distance relationship too and my BF's trying to be a successful DJ as well. And I have felt us growing further apart than we already were with the distance- emotionally growing apart. Right now we're still together trying to make things work and it's just frustrating sometimes when he puts his "dream job" ahead of everything else, including myself. Well I'm glad you stayed strong and I hope your new relationship goes well and that you've finally found the one. :)

posted Apr 9, 2012

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Everyone knows that cheating is bad. But often in reality is a little more complicated. It doesn't mean you are a bad person. It might just be that you have a weak character, low self-esteem, etc. Maybe you were lying to yourself about the true feelings for your boyfriend. As someone said earlier, people are replaceable - sometimes we miss being with something more than said someone. I agree with whoever suggested that you should really think about the reasons that lead to this situation and act accordingly.

People are right when they say he deseves the truth. But at the same time i think it is wrong to hurt someone with the truth, just so you can feel better. You are feeling bad and you kind of deserve to feel bad about it. And you will feel bad about it for as long as you deserve it. There is not much you can do about it unfortunately, but hopefully it will help you not make the same mistakes again.

posted Apr 9, 2012

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Did you consume alcohol, because it sounds like that guy really fucked you up.

If you weren't influenced by drugs or alcohol and consented to having sex with that guy fully well aware that you have a boyfriend, then maybe it's best to step down from that relationship with him until you have gained the proper maturity, if you truely love him.

posted Apr 9, 2012

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You people judge too much, behaving like this would never happen to you. Who knows of tomorrow? Maybe it's you in the future who would see yourselves at the OP's situation.

posted 29 days ago

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